A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
