I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
