i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
