Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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