how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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