I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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