I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
