i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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