Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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