Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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