I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
