I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
