Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
