Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
