i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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