You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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