Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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