That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
