youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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