DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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