We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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