I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
