He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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