Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
worst night to have a conscience
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
