hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
