You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
