Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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