my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
