sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
