oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
