Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
