Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
