Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
