i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
