Already got asked if we're dating
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
