I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
