I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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