thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
