Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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