Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
