I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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