onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
