Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
