This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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