So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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