Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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