I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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