My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
