Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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