somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
