Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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