Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
