Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
