I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
