lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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