you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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