24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
