you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize