you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
