Nicole vs. Life
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
