i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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