my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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