Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
