Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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