my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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